Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lucky you...

M: Walk past Special K's desk, with salad in hand.

Special K: "Ooooh, lucky you."

M: "Uhm, yeah." Roll eyes. Keep walking.

Monday, September 27, 2010

We're Back, and We're Answering Phones!

Sorry, we've been gone for awhile. Things...got complicated. But, hey, we're glad to see you!

I am delighted that this very day I have fodder for this blog. I would hate to think that 24 hours at this office could go by where something extraordinarily weird didn't happen.

Special K asked me some time last week if A and I could answer the phones for her when she planned to be gone the following Monday. I don't get a choice in this matter, so of course the answer is yes!!

In my inbox on Friday:

Dear L & A:

Thank you for agreeing to answer the phones on Monday, September 27.

The Long-Haired One just mentioned to me that Joe Schmoe may be calling to speak with her on Monday (9/27/10). Mr. Schmoe may call her cell phone, but he may also call her on the office telephone. Please interrupt so that she takes the call from him. Mr. Schmoe is currently traveling -- and may be calling from California (instead of Florida). No time frame for receipt of the call has been provided. Also, the Long-Haired One will be away from the office between noon and 2pm that day (Monday, 9/27/10) -- so if he calls before or after that time period please interrupt and let her know that Joe Schmoe is calling (the Long-Haired One will take his call).

Many thanks for all of your assistance.

Special K

I like the thorough explanation of not only the locations that our dear caller might ring from, but also the repeated mention of the day and date. I could very well have picked up the phone when Mr. Schmoe called and wondered aloud to him, "You would like to speak with the Long-Haired One? But, good sir. What is the day and date??"

As of this posting Mr. Schmoe has not phoned. I have not had to interrupt our dear director with this news. But at least I know the date! Three more days until pay day!

Phone books vs. Interwebs

I don't think any explanation is necessary here:

To all Staff:

We received yesterday afternoon one copy each of the 2010-2011 Verizon White Pages telephone book, a Verizon Super Yellow Pages telephone book and a smaller size Verizon Super Yellow Pages Companion Directory. These books/directories are kept on a lower shelf in the mailing area on the second floor of the building. As a reminder, the internet can also be used to search for a telephone number and an address (although not all business contact numbers are listed in directories or on the internet).

Special K

I don't even know how the Hell to explain this one

Special K weighs approximately 90 pounds. This is in spite of the fact that her lunch will often consist of not one but two Hot Pockets, a can of extra sodium soup and 4 yogurts. Seriously, it is bizarre how someone so tiny can pack away so many terrible things into one meal.

This year I got on a weird kick and decided that because I don't live in the part of the country where King Cakes are readily available, that I was going to make my own. So I did--a dozen of them, in fact. Because I consider the office my baking guinea pigs, I decided to bring my first one in and make sure it was considered edible before I continued with baking.

I gave Special K a piece in spite of her protests that it would make her fat. And this email was her "thank you":

Dear M:

Thank you so much for the delicious, NO-CALORIE breakfast treat! It was superb (in addition to low or no FAT).

Special K

Uh, whaa??

Nothing says "Yay, Christmas!" like Special K food announcements

To all Staff:

There is a box of candy for all to share courtesy of Custom Design (Lynn K). The candy is located on the kitchen counter – Please join in snacking on this Christmas treat!

Special K

Don't surprise me like that!!

Special K doesn't like surprises. For instance, if you approach her desk at a normal pace and politely ask, "Hi Special K, could I please get some postage for this letter?," she likes to jump mid-air and look at you as though you've pulled a gun on her. Fortunately, her aversion to shocks like this mean that she is hypersensitive to possible threats to our safety and sense of calm in the workplace.

We have a yearly fire alarm test that is carried out by our alarm company. Not a huge deal, but they do sound the alarms a few times to make sure everything is working. Now, in most places of employment I would imagine that employees are, indeed, warned. But perhaps not as well as we are:

To all Staff:

I was contacted by Bob Smith of SG Alarms on Wednesday (7/29/09) afternoon. He kindly alerted me that two gentlemen (Kevin and another person) will be testing our fire alarm system first thing Thursday morning, 7/30/09 (per our contract). I wanted to give everyone a “heads-up” – so that you will not be surprised when you see people walking around our building or hear odd noises on occasion for an hour or so. Please let me know if you have any concerns (L: I believe that I have previously mentioned this testing to you). Thank you for your attention and cooperation.

With best wishes,

Special K

However, this leaves so many questions unanswered. Who is this "another person"? What do Kevin and "another person" look like? How will I distinguish them from the 6 people who work in the office? Is a "heads-up" the same as a heads-up? What constitutes "odd"? Will these noises be frightening? She has my attention, but I am not certain my fear is assuaged.

I have a message with no message

Dear M:

I just wanted to provide you with a “heads-up.” Prospective Intern will be sending you a brief email regarding employment beginning this fall. She did not provide a telephone number or message to me to give to you.

Special K

She didn't give you a message to give to me, and yet here you are giving me one, from her. Weird!!

Advance warning is good

I'm so glad Special K is so thoughtful that she always gives it.

I've made it a habit to be a minute or two late to meetings, since "advance" warning here tends to mean "ten minutes after it was still relevant." Case in point, this message, which was sent at 9:29 am regarding our 9:30 am meeting.

To all Staff:

The time for beginning the Management meeting that is scheduled to begin at 9:30 am this morning (Wednesday, 7/1/09) in the conference room has been changed. The current start time for the meeting will be 10am (this morning in the conference room). I will inform you of other changes if any occur. Thank you. With best wishes.

Special K

For the record, we have never in the history of my working here had a single staff meeting anywhere but the conference room. But thanks so much for always making it clear, Special K!

I'm sorry. So sorry.

Dear M:

My apologies for disturbing you. You just received a telephone call from Lisa of MA Company. She wanted to speak with you about mailing something relating to a show. She did not leave a telephone number, email address, or mention which show to which she was referring. She stated that she was going to email you a message – even though she knows that you will be out of the office until next week. I have no further information for you, sorry.

Special K

You're sorry? Somehow I don't think you are. And even though I read this on my Blackberry while relaxing on the beach, I still wanted to punch you while reading it.

Um, are we "on-line"?

In the continued saga of getting books to Germany, Special K sent the following to S:

Dear S:

The post office has not yet returned my telephone call regarding the mailing of catalogues to Germany. Checking the costs of sending these boxes of catalogues via on-line is $205.00 (one box of 6 catalogues is $123.03 if calculated “on-line” and one box of 3 catalogues is $71.73 if calculated “on-line”). I am still awaiting a response or confirmation from one of the area post offices.

Special K

I love sending things via on-line, don't you? By the way, the people who are conducting business over the phone are the same people who would type “on-line.”

This is what happens when you ask "Do we have a meeting tomorrow?"

Poor, poor S. In her last days, she made the tragic mistake of asking Special K if we happened to have a management meeting that week. One would think that this could be answered with something as simple as "yes" or "no." This was her response:

Dear S:

A tentative Management meeting has been scheduled for Wednesday, June 10, 2009 (beginning at approximately 9:30am in the conference room). D should be back in the office by then, and as far as The Boss Lady knows, everyone on staff is scheduled to be here on that particular day (6/10/09). She has not set up any other current staff meetings or future staff meetings for the upcoming summer months as she believes people will be taking time off work. Thanks for the reminder though – I will alert the other staff members of this upcoming event. The Boss Lady and I are to discuss the dates for other meetings to be held during the summer months………… to be continued (and thanks again).

Also, I checked the mailing prices several times for hard cover books to be mailed to Germany. The least expensive price for mailing 4 catalogues is approximately $83.13 (by regular USPS mail). It will take approximately 6-10 days for delivery (Global Express mail costs $180.00 – with 1-3 days for delivery, and Express mail is approximately $109.02 with approximately a 5 day delivery period).

I will check to see if the mailing prices are any less expensive – I am going to call the Post Office and learn their actual mailing prices.

Special K

The Boss Lady then emailed S to let her know that the meeting was, in fact, Friday, June 12. A sheepish Special K then emailed onces more to all staff:

To all Staff:

I have made an error and wish to make an announcement. The next Management meeting will be held on Friday, June 12 (not June 10), beginning promptly at 9:30 am in the conference room. Please let me know if this creates a conflict in your schedule. Thank you.

Special K

I responded that I was out on annual leave that week--as I am every year, and had repeatedly reminded her and The Boss Lady. Never fear, Special K replied that she was on top of that--"The Boss Lady is aware of this (and you and I don’t have to set up a conference call!! YIPPIE!!) – but still plans to hold the meeting. Thanks for the heads up. Special K"

Yippie, indeed.

So, there's been a bit of a hiatus

As you may have noticed, we haven't posted in a while. Part of it was that in spite of how frequently Special K gives us material, it sometimes ceases to be funny and begins to elicit only rage.

Part of it was that, tragically, we lost S from the office. Seriously, I can't begin to describe how much she is missed here.

Anyway, with S gone, and Special K being Special K, L and I were left to periodically vent to one another, which doesn't have quite the same appeal. Although we had been advised by some lawyer-y acquaintances that having this blog up for the world to see wasn't the smartest move, I have decided that I don't care. Enough of this wallowing. It's time for Special K to be in your lives once again.