Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I Will, Undeniably, Go Crazy...

It has been some time since we have written, which I attribute to a noticeable lack of humor in our day-to-day operations. I think some things are only funny when they happen to other people -- like falling down stairs or catching an STD. Oh, and this job!

The latest:

From: K
Subject: HELP PLEASE!!!

Dear L:

I need your assistance as soon as you are available – I am to send documents (PDF) to Contact Person. I undeniably tried to use your machine on Wednesday night to no avail and desperately need your assistance and another lesson when you are available. Many thanks and my sincere apologies.


I'm not sure where to start with this email, which was sent 2 hours after the close of business one day. If you've read earlier posts, you know that Special K isn't computer-savvy (or "machine"-savvy to use her word!), so it is understandable that after teaching her a dozen or so times how to attach a Pdf to an email, "another lesson" might be needed.

I was actually impressed with all the solutions K tried before sending this desperate email so late in the night. When I turned on my "machine" that morning, I saw several copies of the same document saved to my desktop, which I later learned was the product of a lesson or lessons I had taught K several weeks before about how to use a scanner. Since she couldn't attach the Pdf, she had used my scanner to scan the document (she was able to remember that after scanning something, it could be saved as a Pdf -- impressive!) and try and send it that way. Instead I ended up with 14 copies of the same letter on my desktop, and K ended up frustrated and unable to find her work.

She also used my email (no different from hers, mind you) to try and send it, in case my account was more agreeable. There were a dozen blank emails from me to her as she tried into the night to send the Pdf, probably racing from my computer to hers to check if the experiment worked.

When I finally showed her, again, how easily and flawlessly a Pdf can be attached to an email, she muttered something about how different our "machines" are and how she wasn't sure that anyone uses Pdfs anyway. Since this incident, I have had to do this exact same thing at least three more times.

Today isn't over yet. Maybe it will be four!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Brain News

On my way out to lunch today, I caught Special K holding up high to see -- and pretty engrossed in -- a periodical entitled "Brain News."

I barely managed to not laugh until I got to the top of the steps.

Monday, March 16, 2009

An "email" for your "Monday": An introduction to the ominous "Someone Else"

After a meeting with the Boss Lady, it is determined that I need to obtain two things from Special K. One being a binder that she's lost track of (I have to say I'm surprised she doesn't lose things more often - well, tangible things), and I need a list of annual packet contents that it is her job to compile -- I can only assume she therfore has some idea what is in them. Why am I surprised that she has none of this information? It's only her job and all? I also knew the second Boss Lady said Special K's name, that these two simple requests will be just the beginning of a months-long journey, fraught with peril and danger... plus the introduction of what seems to be a new character addition to our small office -- the ominous "Someone Else." Sinister.... I also "know" things... sigh.

Special K's response to my information requests:

Dear S:

There is a copy of yearly meeting information I compile in chronological (by year) folders in the D office. There is not a list of packet enclosures. The last meeting packet is in Boss Lady's office – however – she does not really share the information that is placed in the packet. She shares the packet information now with someone else. I have not located the binder yet. Boss Lady stated that you and her “know” about it. She is not in her office at the present time if you would like to look in her office for this packet. I don’t really know or remember what the packet looks like.

Special K

Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday Haikus


Buzzing like a bee
She listens to the machine
Just an F.Y.I.


She saves to diskettes
So soon to be obsolete
Technology cries.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Long time reader - first time writer here.

I am fairly new to the staff, but have had the joy of having many long talks with Special K - most of which start off with her popping into to my office with an 'FYI' or a 'I don't mean to scare you'...scare me? Huh? On Thursday's, I have to joy of starting my mornings an hour before the rest of the staff here - I know, I'm just sort of lucky that way. This morning, being a Thursday, is no exception.

As most mornings, when I arrive I make my way into the kitchen for my cup of caffeine - when Special K meanders over, asking if she scared me..uh, no - just making my cup of caffeine. With this Special K shuffles to the refrigerator (yes, the one on the second floor...not that I know of another one in our office) and asks me if I smell the stench. At first, I didn't know what to say - I mean, if I tell her the truth, that 'yes, something in the fridge should be tossed', or 'yeah, i do believe the fridge might need a cleaning' Special K may very well sell me out to my co-workers, but if I keep quiet the fridge may continue to have a foul odor.

Finally my will bends beneath her clueless glare and I comment that L and I discussed it yesterday and thought that a box of baking soda might do the trick. Instantly, I was afraid I had overstepped, agreeing with her could have serious consequences, my coworkers might stop talking to me for the 5 minutes that we are allowed, or I might be cut off from all caffeine intake...the possibilities were endless. My nerves were on edge as I wracked my brain with some way to convince her not to reveal my identity.

Luckily, Special K has almost a sixth sense about her - she understood the importance that hung on my anonymity.

To all Staff:

This morning I noticed a “foul” odor, apparently coming from something in the refrigerator (on the second floor), once I opened the refrigerator door. The stench of this unpleasant odor has also been confirmed by a co-worker. Does anyone know what the smell is or which source is prompting this unpleasant aroma? Any suggestions in alleviating this problem would be greatly appreciated! If the smell does not dissipate by tomorrow afternoon – I will probably throw the refrigerated food in the trash on Friday evening (at the end of the working day) so that cleaning lady will remove the trash from the building this weekend when she comes to work.

Again, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Special K

Unfortunately, when the email was sent out - I was the only other person in the office...goodbye caffeine. I will miss you.

Monday, January 26, 2009

S Needs Further Clarification on How to Exit the Building.

Please be a bit more specific, Special K. I'm no psychic.

To all Staff:

This is to alert you that the lock on the back door (the door that leads out to the parking lost in the back of the building) has been replaced – and works fine. Enrering and exiting the building from the regular back door should not be a problem. You no longer need to use the middle warehouse doors (the double doors located in the back of the warehouse) when leaving the building. Just use the regular back door when entering or exiting this building. Please let me know if you have any questionas or concerns. Thank you.

Special K.

(And after all this time, I still wonder why "the back door is fixed" wouldn't suffice...)

Friday, January 23, 2009

Knock-knock, Who's There? Me. Part Deux.

The following email was sent to us by Special K, emblazoned with the ominous subject heading "Security Issue." Wary times, these.

To All Staff:

We have a security issue that does not allow anyone to exit from the back door. In other words, you will be unable to leave the building by exiting from the back door. Mr. Repair Guy from SuperSafe Security Systems diagnosed the problem and suggested a call be made to alleviate the problem (after explaining what needs to be repaired and/or replaced).

Someone from SuperSafe Security is scheduled to repair this problem, tomorrow (Thursday, 1/22/09). In the meantime, please use the front door or the middle back door when exiting the building. Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you.

Special K

It's actually no big deal; as you can detect from the email (kind of?), there is another, larger door a few feet away that is mainly used for deliveries that we can employ during this security crisis. The "middle back door," as its been deemed. Please note: you can actually enter through the offending door, you just can't exit.

When I returned from running, ready to buzz for Special K's robotronic door service, instead of my usual flawless entry (followed by K's panicked run down the stairs), I was met by Special K herself! She was peering at me through the narrow window on the door, looking panicked and leaping around in her usual ants-in-your-pants fashion. "I CAN'T LET YOU IN," she yelled, emphatic in her facial expression and wild gesticulation. "THE DOOR IS BROKEN!!!!"

I actually thought she was kidding -- it might have been a little funny to make me wait in the subzero winter temperatures before she let me in the "middle back door." Alas, Special K is incapable of both humor and irony. With a death stare I pointed to the working door, and Special K hopped the four feet over and let me in. "WE HAVE A SECURITY ISSUE! THE DOOR IS BROKEN!! I SENT AN EMAIL." She informed me.


The exciting follow up came just today, with this email:

To All Staff:

I want to inform you that it is very important to check that the middle back door located in the warehouse is completely closed (shut) after using it to exit the building (as you may remember, the regular “back” door exit is inoperable at this time). Occasionally the door takes some time to close or does not completely latch shut. Please check this door to be certain that it closes completely once you exit the building this way. Hopefully the regular back door that we all use will be repaired on Monday (this day for door repair was mentioned on Thursday, 1/22/09). Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Thank you.

Special K

Please pray for our safety.

Special K's Takes a Stab at Customer Service... and Fails.

Some time back, it was decided by the powers that be to give Special K a promotion. She is in charge of accepting payments and physically mailing small merchandise orders here. Due to the very small volume of sales, you'd think this task would be pretty easy for Special K. By now you know, Fair Readers, that you would be wrong. Dead wrong.

Special K's inability to send a package without fucking something up has been a long-standing problem in the office. It was even brought to the Boss Lady's attention in a recent private meeting between her, myself, and our Accountant (in short, Special K couldn't comprehend checking a box: USPS, UPS, or Fed Ex -- she always checked USPS no matter how she sent the package, cause, uh... it was just the closest box to the right???). Boss Lady listened, but as of yet, no action has been taken.

Which leads me to today's email I received from a client, in their exasperation with Special K. All I can do is apologize on her behalf, because I just don't get it myself:

Hi Sherry,

Special K called back and she spoke to UPS and confirmed that 4 boxes were shipped and received with no damages. She said I could call UPS and speak to Holly. There is nothing that they can do from there end – the order was sent and UPS confirms delivery. I explained that I am not questioning that we received the 4 boxes or if they were damaged, but I am assuming that you possibly received the case with a shortage of one unit. Special K responded that she wouldn’t know and that she would make a note of it on the order.

She was not willing to work anything out.


Hi S,

.... Another reason for my contacting you is in regards to the order we received at the end of December. We were shorted one unit of XXX. Kelli in our accounts payable department follows up with discrepancies on purchase orders. She contacted Special K about the situation; however Special k did not seem to understand the situation. Kelli was trying to tell her that not only we were shorted, but you as well! Special K explained there are 10 units in each carton; however even though the carton may say 10 if you don’t check the boxes before shipping you really don’t know. Our receivables department thought it was an odd number for a carton pack and recounted to make certain. The other point Kelli was trying to clear with Special K was about the shipping confusion. With the shortage we even weighed the merchandise received to prove we were short one. On checking the tracking numbers from the delivery notifications we realized the weight listed wasn’t even close. When we weighed the nine units to find a total weight of 18lbs; the shipping notification stated 37lbs. With this discrepancy wanted to look at our UPS bill because on the order we asked that you please use our shipper number. We looked at all of our UPS third-party billing from the time of the shipment through current and did not find the four cartons on any invoice, which makes me wonder how the shipping was charged? Someone else’s shipper number or did someone forget to use our shipper number and we still owe for the shipping. We are just trying to figure the whole thing out. I believe Special K may have taken offense to what we are trying to explain; however we are just trying to iron out any problems before our spring mailing and want things to run smoothly. Please call me if you need any further clarification and how you want to handle the situation. Thank-you and have a nice day!


Those poor people... good fucking luck sorting this one out.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Why I have nothing to say, by L

I'm sure you've noticed we haven't blogged. In this dirth of late, the weather has been cold, the office (and my heart) empty, and my contact with Special K sparse.

Here's the best I can come up with, taken from an email between M, S and I.

Yeah, the fans are starting to get antsy. I lack all energy when it comes to this place -- even to blog. And yes, at some point it just starts to get really pathetic. All this dreary weather is making me want to weep for our little idiot. I walked in today and she was typing away with her little nose tucked inside her turtleneck. Was she smelling her laundry? Checking for BO? Warming her nose? I couldn't even muster the energy to care. That's how beaten down I am...

I hope the sun will come out tomorrow for our little village idiot.