Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lucky you...

M: Walk past Special K's desk, with salad in hand.

Special K: "Ooooh, lucky you."

M: "Uhm, yeah." Roll eyes. Keep walking.

Monday, September 27, 2010

We're Back, and We're Answering Phones!

Sorry, we've been gone for awhile. Things...got complicated. But, hey, we're glad to see you!

I am delighted that this very day I have fodder for this blog. I would hate to think that 24 hours at this office could go by where something extraordinarily weird didn't happen.

Special K asked me some time last week if A and I could answer the phones for her when she planned to be gone the following Monday. I don't get a choice in this matter, so of course the answer is yes!!

In my inbox on Friday:

Dear L & A:

Thank you for agreeing to answer the phones on Monday, September 27.

The Long-Haired One just mentioned to me that Joe Schmoe may be calling to speak with her on Monday (9/27/10). Mr. Schmoe may call her cell phone, but he may also call her on the office telephone. Please interrupt so that she takes the call from him. Mr. Schmoe is currently traveling -- and may be calling from California (instead of Florida). No time frame for receipt of the call has been provided. Also, the Long-Haired One will be away from the office between noon and 2pm that day (Monday, 9/27/10) -- so if he calls before or after that time period please interrupt and let her know that Joe Schmoe is calling (the Long-Haired One will take his call).

Many thanks for all of your assistance.

Special K

I like the thorough explanation of not only the locations that our dear caller might ring from, but also the repeated mention of the day and date. I could very well have picked up the phone when Mr. Schmoe called and wondered aloud to him, "You would like to speak with the Long-Haired One? But, good sir. What is the day and date??"

As of this posting Mr. Schmoe has not phoned. I have not had to interrupt our dear director with this news. But at least I know the date! Three more days until pay day!

Phone books vs. Interwebs

I don't think any explanation is necessary here:

To all Staff:

We received yesterday afternoon one copy each of the 2010-2011 Verizon White Pages telephone book, a Verizon Super Yellow Pages telephone book and a smaller size Verizon Super Yellow Pages Companion Directory. These books/directories are kept on a lower shelf in the mailing area on the second floor of the building. As a reminder, the internet can also be used to search for a telephone number and an address (although not all business contact numbers are listed in directories or on the internet).

Special K

I don't even know how the Hell to explain this one

Special K weighs approximately 90 pounds. This is in spite of the fact that her lunch will often consist of not one but two Hot Pockets, a can of extra sodium soup and 4 yogurts. Seriously, it is bizarre how someone so tiny can pack away so many terrible things into one meal.

This year I got on a weird kick and decided that because I don't live in the part of the country where King Cakes are readily available, that I was going to make my own. So I did--a dozen of them, in fact. Because I consider the office my baking guinea pigs, I decided to bring my first one in and make sure it was considered edible before I continued with baking.

I gave Special K a piece in spite of her protests that it would make her fat. And this email was her "thank you":

Dear M:

Thank you so much for the delicious, NO-CALORIE breakfast treat! It was superb (in addition to low or no FAT).

Special K

Uh, whaa??

Nothing says "Yay, Christmas!" like Special K food announcements

To all Staff:

There is a box of candy for all to share courtesy of Custom Design (Lynn K). The candy is located on the kitchen counter – Please join in snacking on this Christmas treat!

Special K

Don't surprise me like that!!

Special K doesn't like surprises. For instance, if you approach her desk at a normal pace and politely ask, "Hi Special K, could I please get some postage for this letter?," she likes to jump mid-air and look at you as though you've pulled a gun on her. Fortunately, her aversion to shocks like this mean that she is hypersensitive to possible threats to our safety and sense of calm in the workplace.

We have a yearly fire alarm test that is carried out by our alarm company. Not a huge deal, but they do sound the alarms a few times to make sure everything is working. Now, in most places of employment I would imagine that employees are, indeed, warned. But perhaps not as well as we are:

To all Staff:

I was contacted by Bob Smith of SG Alarms on Wednesday (7/29/09) afternoon. He kindly alerted me that two gentlemen (Kevin and another person) will be testing our fire alarm system first thing Thursday morning, 7/30/09 (per our contract). I wanted to give everyone a “heads-up” – so that you will not be surprised when you see people walking around our building or hear odd noises on occasion for an hour or so. Please let me know if you have any concerns (L: I believe that I have previously mentioned this testing to you). Thank you for your attention and cooperation.

With best wishes,

Special K

However, this leaves so many questions unanswered. Who is this "another person"? What do Kevin and "another person" look like? How will I distinguish them from the 6 people who work in the office? Is a "heads-up" the same as a heads-up? What constitutes "odd"? Will these noises be frightening? She has my attention, but I am not certain my fear is assuaged.

I have a message with no message

Dear M:

I just wanted to provide you with a “heads-up.” Prospective Intern will be sending you a brief email regarding employment beginning this fall. She did not provide a telephone number or message to me to give to you.

Special K

She didn't give you a message to give to me, and yet here you are giving me one, from her. Weird!!