Thursday, December 18, 2008

Did I scare you?

We've all noted that none of us has ever seen Special K enter the restroom here in crazyland, aside from the one time that L caught her in there blowing her nose after the Long Haired One instructed her to do so. This is a particularly amazing feat when one considers that she commutes well over an hour each way to get to work. So to top off the numerous skills and special qualities we've mentioned, Special K can apparently "hold it" for at least 12 hours at a time.

I, on the other hand, find myself in the ladies' room periodically. And so when I was exiting the ladies' room and encountered Special K just outside the door, I didn't think that much of it. Except that she got a deer in headlights look, completely froze, and stared me down for a couple of seconds before blurting, "I am so sorry, did I scare you?! Excuse me."

I couldn't really manage much more than a look of disbelief and a slight shake if the head. No, Special K, you didn't scare me. I realize that I work in a small office, and that being the only one who works downstairs, I encounter the others less frequently than most people probably do in a normal work setting. Still, I recognize that I might just run into someone every now and then.

Maybe I should just learn to hold it.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Eureka, Redux

We had a situation here a few weeks back: the sole scanner in our organization broke. As it happens, it sits in my office, along with one of two color printers we possess. Without giving too much away, a scanner is integral to the work we do here. To put it in GRE terms, Pabst Blue Ribbon is to a dive bar as a scanner is to Crazyland. We just gotta have one.

I warned the Long-Haired-One a few weeks before its demise that our poor device was on its last leg. An action plan was formulated at that time, to deal with the scanner’s impending death. S was in on the deal, working tirelessly, calling for advice from our IT contractor, comparing prices of recommended models and checking in occasionally on our dying model’s prognosis. We were all worried sick.

During one of our weekly, bi-weekly, postponed staff meetings, we discussed the next scanner step, with each of us being asked what our scanning needs were and how they might best be addressed in the new model. We all gave our input, and Special K nodded furiously with every response, taking notes like the famed fiddler plays in the “Devil Went Down to Georgia.” It was finally decided that two machines would be purchased since the old one may have died from overuse.

This was a relief to us all. Of course the potential two new scanners were discussed at every weekly, bi-weekly, postponed staff meeting for weeks after, and when the old machine finally took its last breath, we all secretly celebrated the new order. One scanner has since arrived, with the next one, a larger, more impressive one, to come in the new year.

So it makes perfect sense that Special K would wander into my office today with some documents to scan for the Long-Haired One, inquiring if the scanner still worked. I recall that is was she who took delivery of the box, beaming as she came to tell me that our new device had arrived. When I informed her that we had a new scanner that definitely worked, she shook her head incredulously and inquired why we didn’t just get two scanners. “Wouldn’t that be easier?” She asked.

She returned about an hour later with the good news: we will be getting a second scanner!

What can brown do for you, you ask?

Although we get really wrapped up in the weirdness that is Special K, we have some other odd characters around here. MACK has been mentioned before. But there's also a rather creepy UPS dude who totally has the hots for our sweet little intern, A. I allowed her to guest blog here about him--partially because she has just been hired on as my assistant. It's only right that we all share the crazy around here.

Well let me first say that it’s an honor to be guest posting here on TheDailyFaxEmailBlog. The cult following is growing.

My story begins as I am diligently working here in Crazyland as the resident gopher (aka intern). You can call me A. M and I work on the bottom floor, the only two employees down here, condemned to work next to the cold and blustery warehouse. We also have the annoying job of having to answer the front and back doors when any visitors ring (of which there is a weird assortment every day), even though there is a buzzer system. For some reason K, and the outsiders sometimes, cannot seem to figure this out because we still have to open the doors while she runs down the stairs (I don’t want to be there the day she falls down them… ouch). The added luxury of having a video surveillance monitor on her desk must be too mind-boggling. Any who, it is on one of these trips that I let in the Usually un-Pleasant Suspect (Mr. UPS) and receive, along with a package, some creepy vibes. It begins with “the look,” accompanied with a smile too eerie for words, and is usually followed by some scheme to find out my name. This time he straight out asked for my FIRST name (I know how deliveries work and its last names you ask for) and hopefully just pretended to punch it into his little scanner machine. Yuck. Then on the way out he playfully asks me if people call me by A___ (nickname), to which I responded with a blank “sometimes.” Double yuck. Just the most recent chapter in my soap opera affair with the UPS guy. Another time, he told me he liked girls with curly hair (guilty as charged). He then proceeded to tell me a long story about… I don’t really know what, I tuned out. But since then, I do not regret waking up an extra hour early to straighten my hair. Maybe if I’m lucky, the next time he comes we’ll have a nickname connection!

I am also the recipient of a brand spanking new 6-month contract here in Crazyland. Thanks for the warning M, S, and L!

Can I just say it's so cute to watch her cringe as he gets all googly-eyed and smiles at her, and Special K flits down the stairs to see who the f*@k she just let in the door?

Monday, December 15, 2008

Ho Ho Ho

Special K rocks Christmas sweaters every year, which is awesome in and of itself. But this year, we're going to play along--S, L and yours truly are going to show up next Monday wearing tacky Christmas sweaters. And necklaces. And turtlenecks. And whatever else we can find. I can only hope Special K happens to be wearing one of hers on the same day...

For those who think this is a little mean, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, y'all.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Put these nuts in your mouth

It's the beginning of the holiday season, of the onslaught of edible gifts that will line our kitchen counter and tempt us all. Well, not really, given that few people seem to like us enough to give us gifts these days. But, anyway, we got our first package today, which was from a company that sends a big assortment of nuts each year. I'm always tempted to email them and say "Thank you, but next year, think chocolate!" Special K, however, seems delighted:

To all Staff:

This is to alert you that a Christmas snack was delivered (via UPS) this morning to us from That Company That Still Likes Us. The snack has been placed on the kitchen counter and is available for your eating enjoyment. Please feel free to snack on these delicious nuts. Happy holidays and thank you.


Special K

Um, I gotta go enjoy myself in the kitchen now, snacking on delicious nuts...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Who's The New Guy? None of Your Beeswax!

Tomorrow marks a momentous occasion: our new accountant starts. I have yet to embrace this, even conceptually, because I adore our current one. And though she is retiring and will be enjoying her life, I find her sass an integral part to keeping my sanity around here. The way she says the word "bitch" is down right inspiring -- a little southern twang, a little grand dame. She is, in essence, a beacon of logic is this tempest of absurdity.

I also have not jumped on the new accountant bandwagon because I'm having to share an office with him or her. Yes, that's right, I have no idea who this person is! Now, I won't make assumptions about how your company operates, but at my old place of employment an email was sent to the entire office when a new person started. A brief bio was included (along with name, duh!) so that on your first day you couldn't help but be bombarded with questions about your hometown, your Alma mater or those nerdy activities you listed as "hobbies" on your resume. You were a minor celebrity for a day, or until you figured out which people you ultimately didn't ever want to talk to. As it should be.

Around here you get nothing. The Long-haired-one did clobber into my office on Monday to tell me that "the new person" would be sharing my office for a month and half, but gave no mention as to whom, nor even indicated what sex this person is. When I asked who the "new person" was, she said, "oh, it will be the new accountant." Is it that she hasn't decided yet, and will wake up tomorrow and deem this person employed? Perhaps it is someone famous so she doesn't want me to tip off the paparazzi? I just don't know.

And further, it was like this when our most recent employee (who has yet to contribute to the blog) started. One day you show up and there is someone new, and you don't know if it's someone you should just ignore (*MACK, I mean you) or someone you should take the time to introduce yourself to.

I guess I, and everyone else, will know tomorrow.

*See previous post regarding MACK and his weirdness.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I've been a little under the weather, which makes me a little less observant. I had already gotten to work, signed in, turned on my computer, drank some Emergen-C, made some tea and gone over some invoices with our accountant before I returned to my desk and realized that I hadn't noticed Special K flitting around making weird grunts and faces this morning.

I was just sitting down to start checking my morning emails when I heard the door from the warehouse open loudly. I turned just in time to lock eyes with Special K as she breathlessly, robotically blurted "I'm in!!" I nodded and said "Yeah, we're fine here, no worries" to which she replied "Metro! Crazy! I'm in!"

I then heard her greet the Boss Lady on the stairs with "I'm in!" Boss Lady seemed equally dumbfounded about how to deal with the (bizarre) statement of the obvious.

Um, I'm late to work every once in a while, but I have never felt the urge to run around to tell everyone "I'm in!" Next time, I'm going to go greet everyone with "I'm here! Did you miss me?! OMG I'm late! But I'm here now!"

Monday, December 8, 2008

An Afternoon Delight: Meeting Special K

We have the rare treat of having a guest blogger here, one of the few outsiders to gain entry into our realm of secrets. While I am happy that my relative was treated with kindness and respect by the office-- well except for L who took a crowbar to his kneecaps for no reason at all!!! -- I can't help but be disapointed he didn't get "the full crazy."

My heart beat with anticipation; after years of speaking to Special K on the phone, I was finally going to meet her. No longer would she only be a weird robotic voice that I always think is a voicemail prompt, I would finally be able to interact with this mysterious being in the flesh. Plans had been made for me to swing by the office for lunch, and I was filled with excitement walking through the chilly November air from a public transportation stop to the office.
I pressed the buzzer cautiously as I played scenarios in my head of what could occur. Would she bar me entry to the office? Would she question who I would visit there? Would she attack me like a caged monkey? After a short wait, the door was opened for me and I entered the threshold. Surveying the area, I surmised that Special K would be descending from the stairs, much like God to the huddled masses. She then appeared – for so long Special K was a character of legend and now she stood before me. I tried my best to be on my p’s and q;s as to not startle her with my shifty ways. She spoke and asked me how she could help me. I replied that I was there to visit S. Her response to me was “and you are?” I could see her eyes widen and suspicions to my character raised. I quickly tried to quell her xenophobia by informing her that I was a relative of S. As if we were old college chums, I was greeted with warmth and shuffled up the stairs to S’s office. Special K warmed up to me and seemed…..almost……lifelike.
The true surprise of my visit came from meeting the Long-Haired One. Apparently she took quite a shine to me. I can’t help my irresistible charm to the ladies.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Prank call awesomeness

Ii just introduced a new reader to the blog, suggesting that he should consider prank calling Special K to shake things up a little on this Wednesday afternoon. He was kind enough to do so, and provide a transcript (names have been change to protect the guilty):

JB: Hey there, this is Jay Bruce calling about your email problems there.
SK: My email?
JB: Your company's email system is all messed up. You got anyone there with last names that start with C or X?
SK: See what?
JB: Last names that start with C or X. Yeah - their email is not going to work for the next fifteen minutes. The whole damn C and X systems are down.
SK: [silence]
JB: Alright, please tell anyone there with those emails that it's all messed up.
SK: [silence]
JB: Okay, you take care. Bye now.
SK: Buy what?

[end of transcript]

I went to share this with my coworkers and we were all about to pee ourselves. And since I AM, indeed, an employee whose last name begins with one of the aforementioned letters, I came back to my desk and called Special K to tell her I was having trouble with me email and asked if she was having problems with hers. She said no, and that she had no idea what was wrong, but that sometimes in the morning she has problems opening hers up and that it can be slow. She suggested I let S know, because she's our resident "expert" (you know, like she makes BCC fields reappear and other magic like that). I said I had, with no success. Special K told me that if she had any ideas, she would email me.

Then she came downstairs about two minutes later and asked if I was sure mine wasn't working, and said she had opened hers, and "there were a couple of icky ones waiting for me--you know, about sex." But that she gets those all the time.

My sides hurt from trying not to laugh, and it's taking all my willpower not to sign her up for gay porn now.