Friday, November 21, 2008

Employees of Crazyland Not Allowed To Choose Their Names

I'm not sure if this is a worthy post or not. I'm a rather willful person, so this could just be one of those things that gets under my skin, but really isn't a big deal. Whatever.

I shorten my name like many people in the world do -- you Kates, Jens, Beckys and Robs know what I'm talking about! I use my full name on my resume, it's on my business cards because that's how they came to me, and my father calls me my full name from time to time, even when I'm not in trouble.

Nearly everyone seems to go along with this system pretty well, and have for years now: I introduce myself, they call me by the name I call myself. Fairly standard.

But the Long-Haired One just doesn't seem to understand this concept! Although I have never introduced myself by my full name, nor have referred to myself by it (not that I would talk about myself in third person like some megalomaniac douchebag), she insists on introducing me by my full name to members of our board, business contacts and contractors. She even goes as far as addressing me in email by my full name, but when she calls me, she'll used the shortened version. Why? Why can't she just use the name I call myself?

And in case you're curious, it's not like I'm asking to be called Trixie or Peaches or Sparkle. My shortened name is equally as respectable and business-friendly as my full name. Perhaps she finds it offensive, like her ex-BFF has the same name and I bring back terrible memories of fighting on the playground? Maybe she has a nemesis in our industry with my name that hates her guts? I just don't know. I suspect she just wants to control me or drive me crazy. I think the latter is winning.

My dentist keeps weird hours

I just want to preface this entry by saying that my dentist--who is now dentist to S & L--has the most awesome name in the history of the world. Unforunately, I can't type it here because even though I make fun of retards, I think it would be wrong to put his porn star-like name here for all the world to see. Let's just say it's sorta like "Dr. Adonis De Milo."

Anyway, I recently had to go to visit Dr. Pornstar to get fitted for my sexy new night guard. I suspect that it's a result of having worked here for more than 3 years, but lately I have started to grind my teeth down to nubs in my sleep.

I made an appointment, and they called the office to remind me of said appointment. However, they called early enough to avoid having to actually speak to anyone (one can only assume that they have had the misfortune of calling before, only to have to go through Special K to reach me). Special K checked the voicemails upon her arrival and left me this note:

Thurs. 11/6/08
(8:55 am)
A Telephone message was left for you on the answering machine.
8:23 am
It is a courtesy/reminder/confirmation call for:
Monday, November 17 in Dr. Pornstar's office at 1:00 (pm?). No telephone number was left in case you need to make a change to this plan (I also left this message on the answering machine in case you need to review it).

Special K

Ok, a few observations:

They left the message on THE ANSWERING MACHINE. are you sure it wasn't YOUR MACHINE? There are so many machines here, I am glad you clarified...

"It is a courtesy/reminder/confirmation call"? Which one is it, Special K?!

Monday, November 10 in Dr. Pornstar's office at 1:00 (pm?) Nope, my dentist keeps weird hours. It's 1 am. Dentists now do this really cool middle-of-the-night scheduling. It's convenient.

Yeah, I'm a bitch, I shouldn't be so critical. But man, it's so annoying that she can't just leave a message that says:

M-Your dentist left a message reminding you of your appointment at 1 pm on 1/17.

Or Monday...

Just to continue the previous post, we arrived at our desks yesterday morning to find a message sent by Special K at 8:57 am.
To All Staff:

Good morning to you. This email is to alert you that NO STAFF MEETING will be held this morning (Thursday, November 20) in the conference room. The staff meeting will instead be held on Monday morning, November 24 – beginning promptly at 9:30 am. Please plan to attend, and also let me know if this day or time conflicts with your schedule.

With best wishes,


Special K

It doesn't conflict with my schedule because I'm out on a work trip all next week, suckas. But you know what? I didn't let her know. I just feel like ignoring the last line of her email, so I shall.

Oh, and S & L, I would like you to send Daily Fax Emails to my Crackberry while I'm on the road. Thanks.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Bi-Weekly Weekly Meeting Every Wednesday That Takes Place Thursday

As you may know we have bi-weekly Wednesday staff meetings that occur at 9:15 sharp in the conference room.

And these meeting more often than not take place on off weeks, or every week, any given day of the week, at whatever time the boss lady feels like it. We either sit around waiting with our notes, or else we are surprised and unprepared.

It's just another example of how retarded daily life is here. And why it's understandable at times why Special K-- or any of us, for that matter-- have trouble keeping up.

Sent Tuesday 5:45pm:

To all Staff:

This is a brief reminder that a Staff meeting will be conducted in the conference room on Wednesday, November 12. The meeting is scheduled to begin at 9:15 am promptly. Please plan to attend.

Special K

Sent Wednesday 2:06 PM:

To all Staff:

We will not be conducting a Staff meeting this afternoon – replacing the Staff meeting that was scheduled for this morning (it was to be held in the conference room – beginning at 9:15 am).

A Staff meeting will be held in the conference room beginning at approximately 9:30 am on Thursday, November 20. Please plan to attend, and let me know if this particular date or time creates a problem for your attendance (at this meeting).

Thank you,
Special K

On the upside, M just ordered us a econo-pack of keyboard cleaner!... I wish I had a father....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Alphabet Deemed Too Nebulous

My day to day work around here is pretty similar. In fact: I do the same damn thing every day. So whenever a new project comes around, I know the ins and outs of what my responsibilities will be. It's easy and mind-numbing, but whatever. I still get paid the same.

As I have mentioned before, documents I work on get passed around for edits, both in and out of our organization. This can be confusing, so I save the pertinent files, in their various forms, on our common drive. I never know when I'll be responsible for something that was deleted 17 edits ago, so this is smart!!

Usually, only I need my files, but on occasion the Long-Haired One will call upon me to produce some document, since printing is a skill that neither she, nor Special K seem to posses with much deftness. I have been asked to go into the Long-Haired One's office to simply open a file when she is inexplicably unable to do so, so this should come as no surprise.

Today, Special K needed to use my office while I was at lunch, presumably to get in on that fancy color printing I can do. I was simply thrilled that I had gotten out of this duty, and I skipped away to lunch. My joy would be short lived.

When I returned, I had a K-scrawled note on my chair (which was written on two 3 x 5 cards affixed with scotch tape) requesting I print several documents for the Long-Haired One "because she will be using this information." I had also been instructed to change the name of my files that contain the most current edit, lest one's basic reading skills fail in retrieving this information from the current document name. Annoying, but no biggie. I change the pertinent names to Current Project A, Current Project B, etc. What can I say, I'm creative!

Within minutes of hitting the send button on the email proclaiming this illustrious task complete, I get a phone call from the Long-Haired One. Apparently, K found it too confusing to look under "Current" for the necessary document, so I was to change the name, yet again, to make it easier. "I just don't think she is used to looking under 'C' in the files." Ok. So even if I tell her where the information is to be stored, and tell her the *NEW* standard for the file name, it's still too confusing to look under a different letter in the alphabet? Does anyone see a problem here?

Well, anyway, I'm sure you know I went and changed my files and they now say Project A Current, Project B Current, etc. I'm not the boss of me!