Don't surprise me like that!!

Special K doesn't like surprises. For instance, if you approach her desk at a normal pace and politely ask, "Hi Special K, could I please get some postage for this letter?," she likes to jump mid-air and look at you as though you've pulled a gun on her. Fortunately, her aversion to shocks like this mean that she is hypersensitive to possible threats to our safety and sense of calm in the workplace.

We have a yearly fire alarm test that is carried out by our alarm company. Not a huge deal, but they do sound the alarms a few times to make sure everything is working. Now, in most places of employment I would imagine that employees are, indeed, warned. But perhaps not as well as we are:

To all Staff:

I was contacted by Bob Smith of SG Alarms on Wednesday (7/29/09) afternoon. He kindly alerted me that two gentlemen (Kevin and another person) will be testing our fire alarm system first thing Thursday morning, 7/30/09 (per our contract). I wanted to give everyone a “heads-up” – so that you will not be surprised when you see people walking around our building or hear odd noises on occasion for an hour or so. Please let me know if you have any concerns (L: I believe that I have previously mentioned this testing to you). Thank you for your attention and cooperation.

With best wishes,

Sincerely,
Special K

However, this leaves so many questions unanswered. Who is this "another person"? What do Kevin and "another person" look like? How will I distinguish them from the 6 people who work in the office? Is a "heads-up" the same as a heads-up? What constitutes "odd"? Will these noises be frightening? She has my attention, but I am not certain my fear is assuaged.

L Asks the Time, Finds Out How to Build a Watch

I just found out yesterday that I have to have dental surgery; I am not looking forward to this. I was expressing as much in the staff kitchen* with my boss, the Deputy, when he informed me that Special K recently had dental surgery. If I had any questions, he thought I might benefit from asking her. Yes, Deputy, I will benefit, only in ways you would never have imagined...

I walked up to K's desk and asked, quite plainly, if she had had dental surgery. Her eyes widened -- I think she was excited that I was asking about her! She informed me that she had indeed been through "several" dental surgeries, with more to come. As it turns out, as a "brain tumor survivor," K has to take "several medications daily." I know this, as does everyone else in the office, because she keeps these menacing medication bottles on her desk in plain view. Well, these medications evidently caused her teeth to deteriorate (she originally said "rot" but I suggested "deteriorate" when she decided that "rot" didn't quite describe it correctly). K has to have surgery after surgery to deal with this problem, and what's worse, she can't take the pain medication that is normally prescribed for after the surgery because of the offending medications! Well, that is one dentist says so. The other says it might be ok, if she is very careful and doesn't take too much at once (which she would "never do"). But really, who can trust dentists, K asked me, since they are probably just trying to make money since surgery is very expensive. Not only that, but you aren't even allowed to take the metro or the bus home from surgery, even if you feel alright! The dentist make someone come get you, and they won't even let you just get in a cab!!

I admitted to K that I, too, would have to have dental surgery and she asked if i was afraid. Before I got a chance to answer, K told me that the surgery is very painful, especially without the pain medication afterwards. She clarified this by saying that the surgery I was to have and the surgery she had were probably very different so she couldn't say for certain because she's "no expert." In fact, just last week, our accountant had a headache, and then K had a headache the same week! Even though they both had headaches there is no way to tell if they were related because the accountant's could have been from allergies and K's could have been from a cold, and did I remember a couple of weeks ago when K had a cold? It was probably just a coincidence, the two headaches, unless there is mold in the air ducts or something like that in which case probably more people would have headaches.

At any rate, K inquired as to whether I had any family in the area that might be able to pick me up after the surgery -- remember, you CAN'T take the metro home! I told her that I didn't, but that I had friends and a boyfriend that might be willing to do that job. She then told me that she really recommends asking for pain medication (no worries on that, K!), but that after the surgery I would probably just want to go home and go to sleep. Then she stood up and bade me good luck, and asked whether I should have S drive me there. I had to tell her that my surgery is some time in the future, and not today. She seemed relieved.

I kind of had a headache after that.

*Lest you see me as a belly-aching, senior citizen type that uses health problems as fodder for polite conversation, remember that we have to tell every damn person in the office when we have appointments, so someone is usually up in your business as to why.