M: Walk past Special K's desk, with salad in hand.
Special K: "Ooooh, lucky you."
M: "Uhm, yeah." Roll eyes. Keep walking.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
We're Back, and We're Answering Phones!
Sorry, we've been gone for awhile. Things...got complicated. But, hey, we're glad to see you!
I am delighted that this very day I have fodder for this blog. I would hate to think that 24 hours at this office could go by where something extraordinarily weird didn't happen.
Special K asked me some time last week if A and I could answer the phones for her when she planned to be gone the following Monday. I don't get a choice in this matter, so of course the answer is yes!!
In my inbox on Friday:
Dear L & A:
Thank you for agreeing to answer the phones on Monday, September 27.
The Long-Haired One just mentioned to me that Joe Schmoe may be calling to speak with her on Monday (9/27/10). Mr. Schmoe may call her cell phone, but he may also call her on the office telephone. Please interrupt so that she takes the call from him. Mr. Schmoe is currently traveling -- and may be calling from California (instead of Florida). No time frame for receipt of the call has been provided. Also, the Long-Haired One will be away from the office between noon and 2pm that day (Monday, 9/27/10) -- so if he calls before or after that time period please interrupt and let her know that Joe Schmoe is calling (the Long-Haired One will take his call).
Many thanks for all of your assistance.
Special K
I like the thorough explanation of not only the locations that our dear caller might ring from, but also the repeated mention of the day and date. I could very well have picked up the phone when Mr. Schmoe called and wondered aloud to him, "You would like to speak with the Long-Haired One? But, good sir. What is the day and date??"
As of this posting Mr. Schmoe has not phoned. I have not had to interrupt our dear director with this news. But at least I know the date! Three more days until pay day!
I am delighted that this very day I have fodder for this blog. I would hate to think that 24 hours at this office could go by where something extraordinarily weird didn't happen.
Special K asked me some time last week if A and I could answer the phones for her when she planned to be gone the following Monday. I don't get a choice in this matter, so of course the answer is yes!!
In my inbox on Friday:
Dear L & A:
Thank you for agreeing to answer the phones on Monday, September 27.
The Long-Haired One just mentioned to me that Joe Schmoe may be calling to speak with her on Monday (9/27/10). Mr. Schmoe may call her cell phone, but he may also call her on the office telephone. Please interrupt so that she takes the call from him. Mr. Schmoe is currently traveling -- and may be calling from California (instead of Florida). No time frame for receipt of the call has been provided. Also, the Long-Haired One will be away from the office between noon and 2pm that day (Monday, 9/27/10) -- so if he calls before or after that time period please interrupt and let her know that Joe Schmoe is calling (the Long-Haired One will take his call).
Many thanks for all of your assistance.
Special K
I like the thorough explanation of not only the locations that our dear caller might ring from, but also the repeated mention of the day and date. I could very well have picked up the phone when Mr. Schmoe called and wondered aloud to him, "You would like to speak with the Long-Haired One? But, good sir. What is the day and date??"
As of this posting Mr. Schmoe has not phoned. I have not had to interrupt our dear director with this news. But at least I know the date! Three more days until pay day!
Phone books vs. Interwebs
I don't think any explanation is necessary here:
To all Staff:
We received yesterday afternoon one copy each of the 2010-2011 Verizon White Pages telephone book, a Verizon Super Yellow Pages telephone book and a smaller size Verizon Super Yellow Pages Companion Directory. These books/directories are kept on a lower shelf in the mailing area on the second floor of the building. As a reminder, the internet can also be used to search for a telephone number and an address (although not all business contact numbers are listed in directories or on the internet).
Special K
To all Staff:
We received yesterday afternoon one copy each of the 2010-2011 Verizon White Pages telephone book, a Verizon Super Yellow Pages telephone book and a smaller size Verizon Super Yellow Pages Companion Directory. These books/directories are kept on a lower shelf in the mailing area on the second floor of the building. As a reminder, the internet can also be used to search for a telephone number and an address (although not all business contact numbers are listed in directories or on the internet).
Special K
I don't even know how the Hell to explain this one
Special K weighs approximately 90 pounds. This is in spite of the fact that her lunch will often consist of not one but two Hot Pockets, a can of extra sodium soup and 4 yogurts. Seriously, it is bizarre how someone so tiny can pack away so many terrible things into one meal.
This year I got on a weird kick and decided that because I don't live in the part of the country where King Cakes are readily available, that I was going to make my own. So I did--a dozen of them, in fact. Because I consider the office my baking guinea pigs, I decided to bring my first one in and make sure it was considered edible before I continued with baking.
I gave Special K a piece in spite of her protests that it would make her fat. And this email was her "thank you":
Dear M:
Thank you so much for the delicious, NO-CALORIE breakfast treat! It was superb (in addition to low or no FAT).
Special K
Uh, whaa??
This year I got on a weird kick and decided that because I don't live in the part of the country where King Cakes are readily available, that I was going to make my own. So I did--a dozen of them, in fact. Because I consider the office my baking guinea pigs, I decided to bring my first one in and make sure it was considered edible before I continued with baking.
I gave Special K a piece in spite of her protests that it would make her fat. And this email was her "thank you":
Dear M:
Thank you so much for the delicious, NO-CALORIE breakfast treat! It was superb (in addition to low or no FAT).
Special K
Uh, whaa??
Nothing says "Yay, Christmas!" like Special K food announcements
To all Staff:
There is a box of candy for all to share courtesy of Custom Design (Lynn K). The candy is located on the kitchen counter – Please join in snacking on this Christmas treat!
Special K
There is a box of candy for all to share courtesy of Custom Design (Lynn K). The candy is located on the kitchen counter – Please join in snacking on this Christmas treat!
Special K
Don't surprise me like that!!
Special K doesn't like surprises. For instance, if you approach her desk at a normal pace and politely ask, "Hi Special K, could I please get some postage for this letter?," she likes to jump mid-air and look at you as though you've pulled a gun on her. Fortunately, her aversion to shocks like this mean that she is hypersensitive to possible threats to our safety and sense of calm in the workplace.
We have a yearly fire alarm test that is carried out by our alarm company. Not a huge deal, but they do sound the alarms a few times to make sure everything is working. Now, in most places of employment I would imagine that employees are, indeed, warned. But perhaps not as well as we are:
To all Staff:
I was contacted by Bob Smith of SG Alarms on Wednesday (7/29/09) afternoon. He kindly alerted me that two gentlemen (Kevin and another person) will be testing our fire alarm system first thing Thursday morning, 7/30/09 (per our contract). I wanted to give everyone a “heads-up” – so that you will not be surprised when you see people walking around our building or hear odd noises on occasion for an hour or so. Please let me know if you have any concerns (L: I believe that I have previously mentioned this testing to you). Thank you for your attention and cooperation.
With best wishes,
Sincerely,
Special K
However, this leaves so many questions unanswered. Who is this "another person"? What do Kevin and "another person" look like? How will I distinguish them from the 6 people who work in the office? Is a "heads-up" the same as a heads-up? What constitutes "odd"? Will these noises be frightening? She has my attention, but I am not certain my fear is assuaged.
We have a yearly fire alarm test that is carried out by our alarm company. Not a huge deal, but they do sound the alarms a few times to make sure everything is working. Now, in most places of employment I would imagine that employees are, indeed, warned. But perhaps not as well as we are:
To all Staff:
I was contacted by Bob Smith of SG Alarms on Wednesday (7/29/09) afternoon. He kindly alerted me that two gentlemen (Kevin and another person) will be testing our fire alarm system first thing Thursday morning, 7/30/09 (per our contract). I wanted to give everyone a “heads-up” – so that you will not be surprised when you see people walking around our building or hear odd noises on occasion for an hour or so. Please let me know if you have any concerns (L: I believe that I have previously mentioned this testing to you). Thank you for your attention and cooperation.
With best wishes,
Sincerely,
Special K
However, this leaves so many questions unanswered. Who is this "another person"? What do Kevin and "another person" look like? How will I distinguish them from the 6 people who work in the office? Is a "heads-up" the same as a heads-up? What constitutes "odd"? Will these noises be frightening? She has my attention, but I am not certain my fear is assuaged.
I have a message with no message
Dear M:
I just wanted to provide you with a “heads-up.” Prospective Intern will be sending you a brief email regarding employment beginning this fall. She did not provide a telephone number or message to me to give to you.
Special K
She didn't give you a message to give to me, and yet here you are giving me one, from her. Weird!!
I just wanted to provide you with a “heads-up.” Prospective Intern will be sending you a brief email regarding employment beginning this fall. She did not provide a telephone number or message to me to give to you.
Special K
She didn't give you a message to give to me, and yet here you are giving me one, from her. Weird!!
Advance warning is good
I'm so glad Special K is so thoughtful that she always gives it.
I've made it a habit to be a minute or two late to meetings, since "advance" warning here tends to mean "ten minutes after it was still relevant." Case in point, this message, which was sent at 9:29 am regarding our 9:30 am meeting.
To all Staff:
The time for beginning the Management meeting that is scheduled to begin at 9:30 am this morning (Wednesday, 7/1/09) in the conference room has been changed. The current start time for the meeting will be 10am (this morning in the conference room). I will inform you of other changes if any occur. Thank you. With best wishes.
Sincerely,
Special K
For the record, we have never in the history of my working here had a single staff meeting anywhere but the conference room. But thanks so much for always making it clear, Special K!
I've made it a habit to be a minute or two late to meetings, since "advance" warning here tends to mean "ten minutes after it was still relevant." Case in point, this message, which was sent at 9:29 am regarding our 9:30 am meeting.
To all Staff:
The time for beginning the Management meeting that is scheduled to begin at 9:30 am this morning (Wednesday, 7/1/09) in the conference room has been changed. The current start time for the meeting will be 10am (this morning in the conference room). I will inform you of other changes if any occur. Thank you. With best wishes.
Sincerely,
Special K
For the record, we have never in the history of my working here had a single staff meeting anywhere but the conference room. But thanks so much for always making it clear, Special K!
I'm sorry. So sorry.
Dear M:
My apologies for disturbing you. You just received a telephone call from Lisa of MA Company. She wanted to speak with you about mailing something relating to a show. She did not leave a telephone number, email address, or mention which show to which she was referring. She stated that she was going to email you a message – even though she knows that you will be out of the office until next week. I have no further information for you, sorry.
Special K
You're sorry? Somehow I don't think you are. And even though I read this on my Blackberry while relaxing on the beach, I still wanted to punch you while reading it.
My apologies for disturbing you. You just received a telephone call from Lisa of MA Company. She wanted to speak with you about mailing something relating to a show. She did not leave a telephone number, email address, or mention which show to which she was referring. She stated that she was going to email you a message – even though she knows that you will be out of the office until next week. I have no further information for you, sorry.
Special K
You're sorry? Somehow I don't think you are. And even though I read this on my Blackberry while relaxing on the beach, I still wanted to punch you while reading it.
Um, are we "on-line"?
In the continued saga of getting books to Germany, Special K sent the following to S:
Dear S:
The post office has not yet returned my telephone call regarding the mailing of catalogues to Germany. Checking the costs of sending these boxes of catalogues via on-line is $205.00 (one box of 6 catalogues is $123.03 if calculated “on-line” and one box of 3 catalogues is $71.73 if calculated “on-line”). I am still awaiting a response or confirmation from one of the area post offices.
Special K
I love sending things via on-line, don't you? By the way, the people who are conducting business over the phone are the same people who would type “on-line.”
Dear S:
The post office has not yet returned my telephone call regarding the mailing of catalogues to Germany. Checking the costs of sending these boxes of catalogues via on-line is $205.00 (one box of 6 catalogues is $123.03 if calculated “on-line” and one box of 3 catalogues is $71.73 if calculated “on-line”). I am still awaiting a response or confirmation from one of the area post offices.
Special K
I love sending things via on-line, don't you? By the way, the people who are conducting business over the phone are the same people who would type “on-line.”
This is what happens when you ask "Do we have a meeting tomorrow?"
Poor, poor S. In her last days, she made the tragic mistake of asking Special K if we happened to have a management meeting that week. One would think that this could be answered with something as simple as "yes" or "no." This was her response:
Dear S:
A tentative Management meeting has been scheduled for Wednesday, June 10, 2009 (beginning at approximately 9:30am in the conference room). D should be back in the office by then, and as far as The Boss Lady knows, everyone on staff is scheduled to be here on that particular day (6/10/09). She has not set up any other current staff meetings or future staff meetings for the upcoming summer months as she believes people will be taking time off work. Thanks for the reminder though – I will alert the other staff members of this upcoming event. The Boss Lady and I are to discuss the dates for other meetings to be held during the summer months………… to be continued (and thanks again).
Also, I checked the mailing prices several times for hard cover books to be mailed to Germany. The least expensive price for mailing 4 catalogues is approximately $83.13 (by regular USPS mail). It will take approximately 6-10 days for delivery (Global Express mail costs $180.00 – with 1-3 days for delivery, and Express mail is approximately $109.02 with approximately a 5 day delivery period).
I will check to see if the mailing prices are any less expensive – I am going to call the Post Office and learn their actual mailing prices.
Special K
The Boss Lady then emailed S to let her know that the meeting was, in fact, Friday, June 12. A sheepish Special K then emailed onces more to all staff:
To all Staff:
I have made an error and wish to make an announcement. The next Management meeting will be held on Friday, June 12 (not June 10), beginning promptly at 9:30 am in the conference room. Please let me know if this creates a conflict in your schedule. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Special K
I responded that I was out on annual leave that week--as I am every year, and had repeatedly reminded her and The Boss Lady. Never fear, Special K replied that she was on top of that--"The Boss Lady is aware of this (and you and I don’t have to set up a conference call!! YIPPIE!!) – but still plans to hold the meeting. Thanks for the heads up. Special K"
Yippie, indeed.
Dear S:
A tentative Management meeting has been scheduled for Wednesday, June 10, 2009 (beginning at approximately 9:30am in the conference room). D should be back in the office by then, and as far as The Boss Lady knows, everyone on staff is scheduled to be here on that particular day (6/10/09). She has not set up any other current staff meetings or future staff meetings for the upcoming summer months as she believes people will be taking time off work. Thanks for the reminder though – I will alert the other staff members of this upcoming event. The Boss Lady and I are to discuss the dates for other meetings to be held during the summer months………… to be continued (and thanks again).
Also, I checked the mailing prices several times for hard cover books to be mailed to Germany. The least expensive price for mailing 4 catalogues is approximately $83.13 (by regular USPS mail). It will take approximately 6-10 days for delivery (Global Express mail costs $180.00 – with 1-3 days for delivery, and Express mail is approximately $109.02 with approximately a 5 day delivery period).
I will check to see if the mailing prices are any less expensive – I am going to call the Post Office and learn their actual mailing prices.
Special K
The Boss Lady then emailed S to let her know that the meeting was, in fact, Friday, June 12. A sheepish Special K then emailed onces more to all staff:
To all Staff:
I have made an error and wish to make an announcement. The next Management meeting will be held on Friday, June 12 (not June 10), beginning promptly at 9:30 am in the conference room. Please let me know if this creates a conflict in your schedule. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Special K
I responded that I was out on annual leave that week--as I am every year, and had repeatedly reminded her and The Boss Lady. Never fear, Special K replied that she was on top of that--"The Boss Lady is aware of this (and you and I don’t have to set up a conference call!! YIPPIE!!) – but still plans to hold the meeting. Thanks for the heads up. Special K"
Yippie, indeed.
So, there's been a bit of a hiatus
As you may have noticed, we haven't posted in a while. Part of it was that in spite of how frequently Special K gives us material, it sometimes ceases to be funny and begins to elicit only rage.
Part of it was that, tragically, we lost S from the office. Seriously, I can't begin to describe how much she is missed here.
Anyway, with S gone, and Special K being Special K, L and I were left to periodically vent to one another, which doesn't have quite the same appeal. Although we had been advised by some lawyer-y acquaintances that having this blog up for the world to see wasn't the smartest move, I have decided that I don't care. Enough of this wallowing. It's time for Special K to be in your lives once again.
Part of it was that, tragically, we lost S from the office. Seriously, I can't begin to describe how much she is missed here.
Anyway, with S gone, and Special K being Special K, L and I were left to periodically vent to one another, which doesn't have quite the same appeal. Although we had been advised by some lawyer-y acquaintances that having this blog up for the world to see wasn't the smartest move, I have decided that I don't care. Enough of this wallowing. It's time for Special K to be in your lives once again.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I Will, Undeniably, Go Crazy...
It has been some time since we have written, which I attribute to a noticeable lack of humor in our day-to-day operations. I think some things are only funny when they happen to other people -- like falling down stairs or catching an STD. Oh, and this job!
The latest:
From: K
To:L
Subject: HELP PLEASE!!!
Dear L:
I need your assistance as soon as you are available – I am to send documents (PDF) to Contact Person. I undeniably tried to use your machine on Wednesday night to no avail and desperately need your assistance and another lesson when you are available. Many thanks and my sincere apologies.
K
I'm not sure where to start with this email, which was sent 2 hours after the close of business one day. If you've read earlier posts, you know that Special K isn't computer-savvy (or "machine"-savvy to use her word!), so it is understandable that after teaching her a dozen or so times how to attach a Pdf to an email, "another lesson" might be needed.
I was actually impressed with all the solutions K tried before sending this desperate email so late in the night. When I turned on my "machine" that morning, I saw several copies of the same document saved to my desktop, which I later learned was the product of a lesson or lessons I had taught K several weeks before about how to use a scanner. Since she couldn't attach the Pdf, she had used my scanner to scan the document (she was able to remember that after scanning something, it could be saved as a Pdf -- impressive!) and try and send it that way. Instead I ended up with 14 copies of the same letter on my desktop, and K ended up frustrated and unable to find her work.
She also used my email (no different from hers, mind you) to try and send it, in case my account was more agreeable. There were a dozen blank emails from me to her as she tried into the night to send the Pdf, probably racing from my computer to hers to check if the experiment worked.
When I finally showed her, again, how easily and flawlessly a Pdf can be attached to an email, she muttered something about how different our "machines" are and how she wasn't sure that anyone uses Pdfs anyway. Since this incident, I have had to do this exact same thing at least three more times.
Today isn't over yet. Maybe it will be four!
The latest:
From: K
To:L
Subject: HELP PLEASE!!!
Dear L:
I need your assistance as soon as you are available – I am to send documents (PDF) to Contact Person. I undeniably tried to use your machine on Wednesday night to no avail and desperately need your assistance and another lesson when you are available. Many thanks and my sincere apologies.
K
I'm not sure where to start with this email, which was sent 2 hours after the close of business one day. If you've read earlier posts, you know that Special K isn't computer-savvy (or "machine"-savvy to use her word!), so it is understandable that after teaching her a dozen or so times how to attach a Pdf to an email, "another lesson" might be needed.
I was actually impressed with all the solutions K tried before sending this desperate email so late in the night. When I turned on my "machine" that morning, I saw several copies of the same document saved to my desktop, which I later learned was the product of a lesson or lessons I had taught K several weeks before about how to use a scanner. Since she couldn't attach the Pdf, she had used my scanner to scan the document (she was able to remember that after scanning something, it could be saved as a Pdf -- impressive!) and try and send it that way. Instead I ended up with 14 copies of the same letter on my desktop, and K ended up frustrated and unable to find her work.
She also used my email (no different from hers, mind you) to try and send it, in case my account was more agreeable. There were a dozen blank emails from me to her as she tried into the night to send the Pdf, probably racing from my computer to hers to check if the experiment worked.
When I finally showed her, again, how easily and flawlessly a Pdf can be attached to an email, she muttered something about how different our "machines" are and how she wasn't sure that anyone uses Pdfs anyway. Since this incident, I have had to do this exact same thing at least three more times.
Today isn't over yet. Maybe it will be four!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Brain News
On my way out to lunch today, I caught Special K holding up high to see -- and pretty engrossed in -- a periodical entitled "Brain News."
I barely managed to not laugh until I got to the top of the steps.
I barely managed to not laugh until I got to the top of the steps.
Monday, March 16, 2009
An "email" for your "Monday": An introduction to the ominous "Someone Else"
After a meeting with the Boss Lady, it is determined that I need to obtain two things from Special K. One being a binder that she's lost track of (I have to say I'm surprised she doesn't lose things more often - well, tangible things), and I need a list of annual packet contents that it is her job to compile -- I can only assume she therfore has some idea what is in them. Why am I surprised that she has none of this information? It's only her job and all? I also knew the second Boss Lady said Special K's name, that these two simple requests will be just the beginning of a months-long journey, fraught with peril and danger... plus the introduction of what seems to be a new character addition to our small office -- the ominous "Someone Else." Sinister.... I also "know" things... sigh.
Special K's response to my information requests:
Dear S:
There is a copy of yearly meeting information I compile in chronological (by year) folders in the D office. There is not a list of packet enclosures. The last meeting packet is in Boss Lady's office – however – she does not really share the information that is placed in the packet. She shares the packet information now with someone else. I have not located the binder yet. Boss Lady stated that you and her “know” about it. She is not in her office at the present time if you would like to look in her office for this packet. I don’t really know or remember what the packet looks like.
Special K
Special K's response to my information requests:
Dear S:
There is a copy of yearly meeting information I compile in chronological (by year) folders in the D office. There is not a list of packet enclosures. The last meeting packet is in Boss Lady's office – however – she does not really share the information that is placed in the packet. She shares the packet information now with someone else. I have not located the binder yet. Boss Lady stated that you and her “know” about it. She is not in her office at the present time if you would like to look in her office for this packet. I don’t really know or remember what the packet looks like.
Special K
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday Haikus
"K"
Buzzing like a bee
She listens to the machine
Just an F.Y.I.
"Diskettes"
She saves to diskettes
So soon to be obsolete
Technology cries.
Buzzing like a bee
She listens to the machine
Just an F.Y.I.
"Diskettes"
She saves to diskettes
So soon to be obsolete
Technology cries.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Long time reader - first time writer here.
I am fairly new to the staff, but have had the joy of having many long talks with Special K - most of which start off with her popping into to my office with an 'FYI' or a 'I don't mean to scare you'...scare me? Huh? On Thursday's, I have to joy of starting my mornings an hour before the rest of the staff here - I know, I'm just sort of lucky that way. This morning, being a Thursday, is no exception.
As most mornings, when I arrive I make my way into the kitchen for my cup of caffeine - when Special K meanders over, asking if she scared me..uh, no - just making my cup of caffeine. With this Special K shuffles to the refrigerator (yes, the one on the second floor...not that I know of another one in our office) and asks me if I smell the stench. At first, I didn't know what to say - I mean, if I tell her the truth, that 'yes, something in the fridge should be tossed', or 'yeah, i do believe the fridge might need a cleaning' Special K may very well sell me out to my co-workers, but if I keep quiet the fridge may continue to have a foul odor.
Finally my will bends beneath her clueless glare and I comment that L and I discussed it yesterday and thought that a box of baking soda might do the trick. Instantly, I was afraid I had overstepped, agreeing with her could have serious consequences, my coworkers might stop talking to me for the 5 minutes that we are allowed, or I might be cut off from all caffeine intake...the possibilities were endless. My nerves were on edge as I wracked my brain with some way to convince her not to reveal my identity.
Luckily, Special K has almost a sixth sense about her - she understood the importance that hung on my anonymity.
To all Staff:
This morning I noticed a “foul” odor, apparently coming from something in the refrigerator (on the second floor), once I opened the refrigerator door. The stench of this unpleasant odor has also been confirmed by a co-worker. Does anyone know what the smell is or which source is prompting this unpleasant aroma? Any suggestions in alleviating this problem would be greatly appreciated! If the smell does not dissipate by tomorrow afternoon – I will probably throw the refrigerated food in the trash on Friday evening (at the end of the working day) so that cleaning lady will remove the trash from the building this weekend when she comes to work.
Again, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Special K
Unfortunately, when the email was sent out - I was the only other person in the office...goodbye caffeine. I will miss you.
I am fairly new to the staff, but have had the joy of having many long talks with Special K - most of which start off with her popping into to my office with an 'FYI' or a 'I don't mean to scare you'...scare me? Huh? On Thursday's, I have to joy of starting my mornings an hour before the rest of the staff here - I know, I'm just sort of lucky that way. This morning, being a Thursday, is no exception.
As most mornings, when I arrive I make my way into the kitchen for my cup of caffeine - when Special K meanders over, asking if she scared me..uh, no - just making my cup of caffeine. With this Special K shuffles to the refrigerator (yes, the one on the second floor...not that I know of another one in our office) and asks me if I smell the stench. At first, I didn't know what to say - I mean, if I tell her the truth, that 'yes, something in the fridge should be tossed', or 'yeah, i do believe the fridge might need a cleaning' Special K may very well sell me out to my co-workers, but if I keep quiet the fridge may continue to have a foul odor.
Finally my will bends beneath her clueless glare and I comment that L and I discussed it yesterday and thought that a box of baking soda might do the trick. Instantly, I was afraid I had overstepped, agreeing with her could have serious consequences, my coworkers might stop talking to me for the 5 minutes that we are allowed, or I might be cut off from all caffeine intake...the possibilities were endless. My nerves were on edge as I wracked my brain with some way to convince her not to reveal my identity.
Luckily, Special K has almost a sixth sense about her - she understood the importance that hung on my anonymity.
To all Staff:
This morning I noticed a “foul” odor, apparently coming from something in the refrigerator (on the second floor), once I opened the refrigerator door. The stench of this unpleasant odor has also been confirmed by a co-worker. Does anyone know what the smell is or which source is prompting this unpleasant aroma? Any suggestions in alleviating this problem would be greatly appreciated! If the smell does not dissipate by tomorrow afternoon – I will probably throw the refrigerated food in the trash on Friday evening (at the end of the working day) so that cleaning lady will remove the trash from the building this weekend when she comes to work.
Again, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Special K
Unfortunately, when the email was sent out - I was the only other person in the office...goodbye caffeine. I will miss you.
Monday, January 26, 2009
S Needs Further Clarification on How to Exit the Building.
Please be a bit more specific, Special K. I'm no psychic.
To all Staff:
This is to alert you that the lock on the back door (the door that leads out to the parking lost in the back of the building) has been replaced – and works fine. Enrering and exiting the building from the regular back door should not be a problem. You no longer need to use the middle warehouse doors (the double doors located in the back of the warehouse) when leaving the building. Just use the regular back door when entering or exiting this building. Please let me know if you have any questionas or concerns. Thank you.
Special K.
(And after all this time, I still wonder why "the back door is fixed" wouldn't suffice...)
To all Staff:
This is to alert you that the lock on the back door (the door that leads out to the parking lost in the back of the building) has been replaced – and works fine. Enrering and exiting the building from the regular back door should not be a problem. You no longer need to use the middle warehouse doors (the double doors located in the back of the warehouse) when leaving the building. Just use the regular back door when entering or exiting this building. Please let me know if you have any questionas or concerns. Thank you.
Special K.
(And after all this time, I still wonder why "the back door is fixed" wouldn't suffice...)
Friday, January 23, 2009
Knock-knock, Who's There? Me. Part Deux.
The following email was sent to us by Special K, emblazoned with the ominous subject heading "Security Issue." Wary times, these.
To All Staff:
We have a security issue that does not allow anyone to exit from the back door. In other words, you will be unable to leave the building by exiting from the back door. Mr. Repair Guy from SuperSafe Security Systems diagnosed the problem and suggested a call be made to alleviate the problem (after explaining what needs to be repaired and/or replaced).
Someone from SuperSafe Security is scheduled to repair this problem, tomorrow (Thursday, 1/22/09). In the meantime, please use the front door or the middle back door when exiting the building. Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you.
Special K
It's actually no big deal; as you can detect from the email (kind of?), there is another, larger door a few feet away that is mainly used for deliveries that we can employ during this security crisis. The "middle back door," as its been deemed. Please note: you can actually enter through the offending door, you just can't exit.
When I returned from running, ready to buzz for Special K's robotronic door service, instead of my usual flawless entry (followed by K's panicked run down the stairs), I was met by Special K herself! She was peering at me through the narrow window on the door, looking panicked and leaping around in her usual ants-in-your-pants fashion. "I CAN'T LET YOU IN," she yelled, emphatic in her facial expression and wild gesticulation. "THE DOOR IS BROKEN!!!!"
I actually thought she was kidding -- it might have been a little funny to make me wait in the subzero winter temperatures before she let me in the "middle back door." Alas, Special K is incapable of both humor and irony. With a death stare I pointed to the working door, and Special K hopped the four feet over and let me in. "WE HAVE A SECURITY ISSUE! THE DOOR IS BROKEN!! I SENT AN EMAIL." She informed me.
"JUST AN FYI!"
The exciting follow up came just today, with this email:
To All Staff:
I want to inform you that it is very important to check that the middle back door located in the warehouse is completely closed (shut) after using it to exit the building (as you may remember, the regular “back” door exit is inoperable at this time). Occasionally the door takes some time to close or does not completely latch shut. Please check this door to be certain that it closes completely once you exit the building this way. Hopefully the regular back door that we all use will be repaired on Monday (this day for door repair was mentioned on Thursday, 1/22/09). Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Special K
Please pray for our safety.
To All Staff:
We have a security issue that does not allow anyone to exit from the back door. In other words, you will be unable to leave the building by exiting from the back door. Mr. Repair Guy from SuperSafe Security Systems diagnosed the problem and suggested a call be made to alleviate the problem (after explaining what needs to be repaired and/or replaced).
Someone from SuperSafe Security is scheduled to repair this problem, tomorrow (Thursday, 1/22/09). In the meantime, please use the front door or the middle back door when exiting the building. Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you.
Special K
It's actually no big deal; as you can detect from the email (kind of?), there is another, larger door a few feet away that is mainly used for deliveries that we can employ during this security crisis. The "middle back door," as its been deemed. Please note: you can actually enter through the offending door, you just can't exit.
When I returned from running, ready to buzz for Special K's robotronic door service, instead of my usual flawless entry (followed by K's panicked run down the stairs), I was met by Special K herself! She was peering at me through the narrow window on the door, looking panicked and leaping around in her usual ants-in-your-pants fashion. "I CAN'T LET YOU IN," she yelled, emphatic in her facial expression and wild gesticulation. "THE DOOR IS BROKEN!!!!"
I actually thought she was kidding -- it might have been a little funny to make me wait in the subzero winter temperatures before she let me in the "middle back door." Alas, Special K is incapable of both humor and irony. With a death stare I pointed to the working door, and Special K hopped the four feet over and let me in. "WE HAVE A SECURITY ISSUE! THE DOOR IS BROKEN!! I SENT AN EMAIL." She informed me.
"JUST AN FYI!"
The exciting follow up came just today, with this email:
To All Staff:
I want to inform you that it is very important to check that the middle back door located in the warehouse is completely closed (shut) after using it to exit the building (as you may remember, the regular “back” door exit is inoperable at this time). Occasionally the door takes some time to close or does not completely latch shut. Please check this door to be certain that it closes completely once you exit the building this way. Hopefully the regular back door that we all use will be repaired on Monday (this day for door repair was mentioned on Thursday, 1/22/09). Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Special K
Please pray for our safety.
Special K's Takes a Stab at Customer Service... and Fails.
Some time back, it was decided by the powers that be to give Special K a promotion. She is in charge of accepting payments and physically mailing small merchandise orders here. Due to the very small volume of sales, you'd think this task would be pretty easy for Special K. By now you know, Fair Readers, that you would be wrong. Dead wrong.
Special K's inability to send a package without fucking something up has been a long-standing problem in the office. It was even brought to the Boss Lady's attention in a recent private meeting between her, myself, and our Accountant (in short, Special K couldn't comprehend checking a box: USPS, UPS, or Fed Ex -- she always checked USPS no matter how she sent the package, cause, uh... it was just the closest box to the right???). Boss Lady listened, but as of yet, no action has been taken.
Which leads me to today's email I received from a client, in their exasperation with Special K. All I can do is apologize on her behalf, because I just don't get it myself:
Hi Sherry,
Special K called back and she spoke to UPS and confirmed that 4 boxes were shipped and received with no damages. She said I could call UPS and speak to Holly. There is nothing that they can do from there end – the order was sent and UPS confirms delivery. I explained that I am not questioning that we received the 4 boxes or if they were damaged, but I am assuming that you possibly received the case with a shortage of one unit. Special K responded that she wouldn’t know and that she would make a note of it on the order.
She was not willing to work anything out.
Kelli
****
Hi S,
.... Another reason for my contacting you is in regards to the order we received at the end of December. We were shorted one unit of XXX. Kelli in our accounts payable department follows up with discrepancies on purchase orders. She contacted Special K about the situation; however Special k did not seem to understand the situation. Kelli was trying to tell her that not only we were shorted, but you as well! Special K explained there are 10 units in each carton; however even though the carton may say 10 if you don’t check the boxes before shipping you really don’t know. Our receivables department thought it was an odd number for a carton pack and recounted to make certain. The other point Kelli was trying to clear with Special K was about the shipping confusion. With the shortage we even weighed the merchandise received to prove we were short one. On checking the tracking numbers from the delivery notifications we realized the weight listed wasn’t even close. When we weighed the nine units to find a total weight of 18lbs; the shipping notification stated 37lbs. With this discrepancy wanted to look at our UPS bill because on the order we asked that you please use our shipper number. We looked at all of our UPS third-party billing from the time of the shipment through current and did not find the four cartons on any invoice, which makes me wonder how the shipping was charged? Someone else’s shipper number or did someone forget to use our shipper number and we still owe for the shipping. We are just trying to figure the whole thing out. I believe Special K may have taken offense to what we are trying to explain; however we are just trying to iron out any problems before our spring mailing and want things to run smoothly. Please call me if you need any further clarification and how you want to handle the situation. Thank-you and have a nice day!
-Sherry
Those poor people... good fucking luck sorting this one out.
Special K's inability to send a package without fucking something up has been a long-standing problem in the office. It was even brought to the Boss Lady's attention in a recent private meeting between her, myself, and our Accountant (in short, Special K couldn't comprehend checking a box: USPS, UPS, or Fed Ex -- she always checked USPS no matter how she sent the package, cause, uh... it was just the closest box to the right???). Boss Lady listened, but as of yet, no action has been taken.
Which leads me to today's email I received from a client, in their exasperation with Special K. All I can do is apologize on her behalf, because I just don't get it myself:
Hi Sherry,
Special K called back and she spoke to UPS and confirmed that 4 boxes were shipped and received with no damages. She said I could call UPS and speak to Holly. There is nothing that they can do from there end – the order was sent and UPS confirms delivery. I explained that I am not questioning that we received the 4 boxes or if they were damaged, but I am assuming that you possibly received the case with a shortage of one unit. Special K responded that she wouldn’t know and that she would make a note of it on the order.
She was not willing to work anything out.
Kelli
****
Hi S,
.... Another reason for my contacting you is in regards to the order we received at the end of December. We were shorted one unit of XXX. Kelli in our accounts payable department follows up with discrepancies on purchase orders. She contacted Special K about the situation; however Special k did not seem to understand the situation. Kelli was trying to tell her that not only we were shorted, but you as well! Special K explained there are 10 units in each carton; however even though the carton may say 10 if you don’t check the boxes before shipping you really don’t know. Our receivables department thought it was an odd number for a carton pack and recounted to make certain. The other point Kelli was trying to clear with Special K was about the shipping confusion. With the shortage we even weighed the merchandise received to prove we were short one. On checking the tracking numbers from the delivery notifications we realized the weight listed wasn’t even close. When we weighed the nine units to find a total weight of 18lbs; the shipping notification stated 37lbs. With this discrepancy wanted to look at our UPS bill because on the order we asked that you please use our shipper number. We looked at all of our UPS third-party billing from the time of the shipment through current and did not find the four cartons on any invoice, which makes me wonder how the shipping was charged? Someone else’s shipper number or did someone forget to use our shipper number and we still owe for the shipping. We are just trying to figure the whole thing out. I believe Special K may have taken offense to what we are trying to explain; however we are just trying to iron out any problems before our spring mailing and want things to run smoothly. Please call me if you need any further clarification and how you want to handle the situation. Thank-you and have a nice day!
-Sherry
Those poor people... good fucking luck sorting this one out.
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