What can brown do for you, you ask?

Although we get really wrapped up in the weirdness that is Special K, we have some other odd characters around here. MACK has been mentioned before. But there's also a rather creepy UPS dude who totally has the hots for our sweet little intern, A. I allowed her to guest blog here about him--partially because she has just been hired on as my assistant. It's only right that we all share the crazy around here.

Well let me first say that it’s an honor to be guest posting here on TheDailyFaxEmailBlog. The cult following is growing.

My story begins as I am diligently working here in Crazyland as the resident gopher (aka intern). You can call me A. M and I work on the bottom floor, the only two employees down here, condemned to work next to the cold and blustery warehouse. We also have the annoying job of having to answer the front and back doors when any visitors ring (of which there is a weird assortment every day), even though there is a buzzer system. For some reason K, and the outsiders sometimes, cannot seem to figure this out because we still have to open the doors while she runs down the stairs (I don’t want to be there the day she falls down them… ouch). The added luxury of having a video surveillance monitor on her desk must be too mind-boggling. Any who, it is on one of these trips that I let in the Usually un-Pleasant Suspect (Mr. UPS) and receive, along with a package, some creepy vibes. It begins with “the look,” accompanied with a smile too eerie for words, and is usually followed by some scheme to find out my name. This time he straight out asked for my FIRST name (I know how deliveries work and its last names you ask for) and hopefully just pretended to punch it into his little scanner machine. Yuck. Then on the way out he playfully asks me if people call me by A___ (nickname), to which I responded with a blank “sometimes.” Double yuck. Just the most recent chapter in my soap opera affair with the UPS guy. Another time, he told me he liked girls with curly hair (guilty as charged). He then proceeded to tell me a long story about… I don’t really know what, I tuned out. But since then, I do not regret waking up an extra hour early to straighten my hair. Maybe if I’m lucky, the next time he comes we’ll have a nickname connection!

I am also the recipient of a brand spanking new 6-month contract here in Crazyland. Thanks for the warning M, S, and L!

Can I just say it's so cute to watch her cringe as he gets all googly-eyed and smiles at her, and Special K flits down the stairs to see who the f*@k she just let in the door?

Company Policies and Procedures: Volume I

Do you receive mail at your place of employment? I bet you do! Maybe a secretary (I think the PC term is “administrative assistant”) opens it, and put it on your desk. Perhaps an office manager drops it off at your cubicle? At my old job we had little cubbies, and once in awhile there would be mail for me in it—just like kindergarten!

Here at the house of crazy, we get mail too. But I’m guessing you already know our mail procedure is just a little off-kilter. Could it be any other way? You see, we get mail, and Special K opens it, and puts it into a file that says “First Class Mail.” I assume this is so we don’t go looking for the pesky “Book Rate Mail” in the same folder, but I’m not sure. This folder is then passed around to every employee (yes, all six of us) and we each sign off that we’ve read it.

Not so weird, right? Wrong! The “First Class Mail” folder is passed around to us with everything in it. The phone bill? Check! Weird jewelry catalogue addressed to a former director with gold-plate and “pink ice” baubles? Absolutely. The riveting page-turner “Plastics News*” which arrives weekly and always appears well read by the time it gets to me? Why not? And don’t forget invoices that pertain to only one or two people, postcards advertising for sales on paper and toner, invitations to events in our industry in Japan, written in Japanese, and course catalogues for “Management Training Centers—Now Holding Classes Near you!”

I can say with certainty that only a handful of mail items weekly have pertained not only to this organization, but to me specifically. I’m considering bringing in my personal junk mail and passing it around too, as it would have the same effect. What’s more, if you forget to initial next to your name—say, you were caught up reading about items in the lawn care catalogue that arrives at least once a month—Special K will bring the offending folder back to your office to make sure you do sign off. Even if the only thing in the folder is a postcard advertising phonecards!! Your compliance MUST be verified.

*Our work in no way is related to plastic or the plastics industry, yet we continue to receive Plastics News every week. I kind of look forward to it now.